Silver Lining?

I just got done reading her post about bringing her son halfway across the country for a procedure to help his heart condition, and her last question on the blog: "What silver lining can you find in your life today?" So how can I be so selfish and feel sorry for myself when there are so many other people with problems much bigger than mine? I'm a mother, that's why, and even though I try to do the best that I can to be a good one, sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this in the first place. Sometimes I just need to vent and, well, feel sorry for myself.

So yesterday when Zack got home, I found another office referral slip in his bookbag. He was playing with a stick, jabbing it at people, and when the teacher told him to take a time out and that his recess was over, he yelled "No" and ran to the highest part of the playground. (My first thought was, "Ms. Gusler, meet the real Zack Swan.") Of course he wasn't allowed to play outside because of this behavior, so I had him working on some homework before we went back to the school for pizza and literacy night. He got angry at me because I wrote his (whole)name correctly on his paper and told him to write it five times himself. He said he knew how to write his name and didn't need me to write it for him. He turned what could have taken 5 minutes into a 30 minutes argument. But he was just to angry about it!

At school, getting pizza and drinks, I was trying to carry the plates and my cup to our table, while pushing Xander in the stroller. But when I turned around, the drink tupped over and spilled water all over the floor. So I had to help the assistant principal clean it up, all the while knowing that everybody saw that happen. Dinner was fine, the boys both at their pizza, then it was time to go to the gym for the PTA meeting. We sat there for probably 20 minutes or so before the meeting started, and I kept Xander occupied by singing songs with him. Things went downhill from there.

Zack's school has such a high Hispanic population that the PTA meeting ended up being twice as long as it should have been, because EVERYTHING had to be translated in to Spanish. This was just too long to expect a 2-year-old to sit quietly. I even tried to let him play with his animals on the floor next to me, but he decided to crawl away. We spent the remainder of the meeting sitting in the hallway, until it was time to go to the classroom.

Zack went with the school-age children to another classroom to play, but the younger siblings stayed with us. I had brought along Xander's Elmo puzzle to keep him busy for the 20-or-so-minutes we were to be there. He put together about 6 pieces, then decided it was time to clean it up. He didn't want the puzzle, he didn't want to draw, he wanted to get down. The worst part was that, even though there were about five or six other preschoolers in the room, Xander was the only one causing trouble! I was even more mortified when I took him in the hallway for a time out, and the principal and assistant principal, who both know Zack by name, were there. I was just thinking, 'Great, they're going to see me putting my younger child in time-out when they just saw my older child in the office today!'

Zack's reading teacher had nothing but good things to say about him. Her goal is to not push him up in reading levels (he's already on a second grade level), but expand his knowledge and vocabulary out more, so that he can better understand what he's reading, especially non-fiction. So that was a highlight of the night!

When we got to the car, I just broke. I cried the whole mile home. Thinking about the boys behavior, feeling embarrassed and disappointed. Thinking about Zack's reading, feeling proud of him. Thinking about myself, feeling like I have failed these boys miserably. Thinking how much I needed to talk to my mom, to find out how she did this with ten of us, wishing I could just hear her voice again, to hug her again, to have her tell me it's going to be okay. (Thankfully I have brothers and sisters watching out for me, too.)

And that brings you up to date, but I haven't mentioned the silver lining. Hold on, let me dry these tears real quick.

I have healthy little boys.
Zack is a star reader, smart as a whip, too smart for his own good.
Xander is loving and smart, too, certainly following in his brother's footsteps.
I'm married to a wonderful man who worked it out so I can raise my children and not leave them with someone else to raise them.
We have a home and wonderful neighbors.
We have jobs.
I have lots of other family that loves me.
We are blessed in so many ways! I think I just needed her post to pull me out of my misery and back to real life. Real life, where there is laundry to be folded, dishes to be unloaded, floors to be swept, grocery lists and menus to be made, dinner to be cooked, kids and a husband to love and take care of. That's my silver lining. What's yours?